Monday, 4 May 2020

Drained

I’m the girl with the big heart. The girl who falls easily, fast and hard. The girl who seems to connect with people on such levels that the intensity of it can be too much to handle emotionally. I’m the girl who without question would help anyone and everyone. The girl who would willingly give advice because I thought I was “helping” or doing the “right thing”.

Recently I met someone who I connected with that was almost too good to be true. It wasn’t romantic or anything of that nature but it was this intense connection almost like we’d known each other in some “other life”. I was both intrigued and amazed yet it still took me by surprise. It was like this feeling of we’d known each other in some previous life and here we were meeting some 30 odd years later rekindling that’s friendship. It’s hard to explain but that’s what it felt/feels like to me.

Unfortunately isolation happened. Shit hit the fan and I was stuck almost left in limbo wondering where the F this person went that I was talking to only 2 days prior. Your first instinct is always have I done something wrong? Did I say something that upset them? Was I too needy? We always check ourselves first hoping that we hadn’t fucked things up. Our conversations turned to pleasantries which was their way of staying connected. Pleasantries for me felt like I was that after thought at the bottom of the to do list. Days and weeks went by where neither of us had felt connected to each other yet I felt I was making the effort. I thought I was trying. I thought I was doing all of the right things but the reality of the situation is that I wasn’t. I was assuming and giving advise when it wasn’t asked for. I was trying to understand something when really why did I need to understand? I had no right to question why someone was feeling the way they were and then say it was “wrong”. I never thought I did that but I suppose I did. I only ever wanted to help because in some narcissistic crazy way I just want to “fix people”. I never expected that my “helping” would be bad that it would be uncalled for and unwanted. I’m the girl who wants to help but now I know not everyone wants help.

I’m shaken, sad, hurt, emotional and feeling like I’ve been knocked down a bit. Like my confidence has taken a hit and that I’m feeling like I can’t even share my thoughts or feelings without feeling like I’m in the “wrong”. I honestly don’t know if I can move past this. I honestly thought I was doing the right thing but I wasn’t. I guess what hurts the most is that it took weeks for something to be said. I struggle with the word vulnerable and what that means for different people. How one person perceives the word or feelings or thoughts behind vulnerable isn’t necessarily going to mean the same to someone else. I struggle to understand how one can be vulnerable yet don’t let others in because it’s how they keep themselves safe. I struggle because I want to be vulnerable and I think that I am yet how does one be vulnerable when others don’t let them in?

I’m tired and I’m emotionally drained. I want to move past these feelings of uncertainty and self doubt and get back to a place where I thought things were going. I don’t want to step back and have regrets but maybe it’s more about trying to do things differently. Does that mean changing the person I am to “suit” someone else? Or does it mean be who I am even if it means people don’t like me? I’m honestly not sure. Perhaps things will change and be different or perhaps we won’t move past this I don’t know. The only thing I can hope is that we can get through the crazy and to a place where we were way back when. Time will tell.

Monday, 9 December 2019

A Year On...

It wasn’t planned but a year ago today I was sat on this same park bench my heart breaking into a million pieces as I cried my eyes out over MJ. I stayed nearly an hour as every part of me hurt. I had lost someone so important to me that I didn’t think I’d make it through. This past year hasn’t been easy and to be fair I don’t think any of my years have been easy. I still think of MJ and at times it hurts BUT lucky that I’ve got awesome people in my life.

I’m glad I came here today! I got to make new memories and enjoy different experiences with people who I haven’t seen in a long time. It’s time to let go of these last couple years and focus more on myself. I’m moving house and I can’t wait to make it into a home and start having a more positive amazing life.

I really do love this town that we live in.

Wednesday, 6 February 2019

My Last Goodbye

I’m writing this because I feel it needs to be said. I need to show myself that I can do this, without you. 

It hurts to admit but, you broke my heart. You let me fall and for the first time since my marriage ended you were my first. You were the first person I let get so close that I fell in love. I fell hard and fast and it was some whirlwind romance but I also think there was a big part of it that was all just a game. I feel used. I feel like you got what you wanted out of our relationship only to go back to the same thing you didn’t want. 

You told me things that made me have hope for a future and even right to the end you still made me have hope. You were the one who said you wanted to be friends. To be in each other’s lives. That we’d get through this together but you lied. You knew what and who you wanted and it wasn’t even a week in before you’d made your choice and kicked me to the side to deal with it all on my own. I trusted you. I let you into my world, into my life and you threw it all back into my face. I know you’ve said sorry that you didn’t mean to hurt me but you did. You hurt me, you broke my heart and I had to go through the motions while you got to live your happy life as if I wasn’t even a big part of it. 

We both know the life you choose to live is going to be the one you say you don’t want. You’ll go have “fun” and keep it a secret because people aren’t “accepting” of it. Or you’ll go have “fun” because having power and control is what you both seem to need. I guess all I want is for you to be honest. With yourself. With your family. With your friends. There’s only so much “fun” you can have before you’re back to where you were when we first met. Which by the way, there really is no difference between “fun” and what it was when we met, they’re both the same thing. You’ve just got to learn to not be in denial. 

It’s time to move on. To leave the memories of you behind. I can’t waste my life waiting for something. For my own sanity and wellbeing I need to let go. So this is it, my last goodbye.

Thursday, 31 January 2019

Wellyweird

The one thing I've always loved about being here in Wellington (aside from it's Wellington) is that I don't have to worry about anyone or anything.  It gives me time to think, to clear my head and get away from everything that is "my life". With what's been going on with MJ and as selfish as it is, I needed to get away and come to somewhere that was my comfortable. I needed familiarity and to be able to do nothing if I wanted and Wellington was the best place for that. It's honestly been one of the best things I could have done for myself these last couple of months.

I'm not expecting anything from Wellington but I wanted to be able to come away from this trip feeling good about where I'm at in my life. That the choices I'm choosing to make are the right ones for me.  I needed to feel that I could take this time out from life and responsibilities and just focus on how I was feeling. That I could find the courage to get back into doing things that once reminded me of a person who meant so much to me. I needed this time. To spend a week doing absolutely nothing and not feel guilty for it.

It was the exact same thing with moving rooms. Before I flew out to Wellington I'd moved my things out of the back room and into the front room because I needed change. I needed some of that feng shui shit and I thought what better way to do it than to move to a new bedroom. I even got myself a free desk for studying at. My room and bed are super small BUT it's the little things that make all the difference right?

I really am feeling good. I moved rooms. I came away to Wellington and I nearly met up with someone for coffee. I'm feeling good about everything. I really do think that this trip helped me to just sit with my own thoughts and process them when I was ready and I think that's important. Wellington will always be my comfortable and that's okay.

School goes back in a few weeks and I feel like I'm ready to get back into it. I need proper routine and I need to start focusing more on myself which this trip really has helped me to do. I'm so glad I took this trip. Maybe it's one I need to take more often.

Monday, 7 January 2019

You learn more about someone at the end of a relationship than you do at the beginning

This time a month ago I was looking forward to spending the weekend with MJ, little did I know it was the weekend that would end it all. It still hurts and there are days where I wished things were different. Days where my heart hurts that I feel like it's breaking into a million pieces. I never expected to get so caught up as fast or as hard as I did.

I honestly thought we had more time. I thought that things were going to be different but as much as it hurts I'm glad that in some crazy way he "helped" me to figure out that I wanted my 2019 to be an amazing one. That I could start my 2019 on a better note rather than wait until it was "supposed" to end and then have a bad 2019 being all sad. So yes, in some stupid way I'm thankful to him for that.

What hurts the most though isn't that MJ and I aren't together it's that since it ended I've not seen a best friend of mine because in some way she reminds me of him. There's a part of me that feels like I "used" her for my own "personal gain" and then that makes me feel guilty. Then it hurts me because we're supposed to be best friends yet I'm over here trying to get over him and missing my friend at the same time. I know that I don't need to feel guilty or bad but I also know at the same time that I've been a terrible friend. She's not done anything wrong but be an awesome friend and I need to make time for her and take a girls trip to make new amazing awesome beach memories. Friends are important to me and if I want to be able to move past the whole MJ thing then spending time with the people I care about is what will help.

I really don't know what will happen in the future and yes there will be times where I miss him. Where I miss the views, the laughs, the dogs, our daily check ins, talks about the kids and the fun dates we'd go on but right now the only thing I can focus on is myself.

He's "robbed" me of a lot of the things that I use to do because they remind me of him and I can’t let him “control” me like that. I need to push through the hurt, the motions and try to make new memories because if I don't I'll never be able to move on with my life.

Small baby steps. I can do this. I have to do it, even if it's hard.


Monday, 31 December 2018

Goodbye 2018

In the last 72 hours Willow, Jackson and I have travelled over 700kms if not more. I made my first ever trip north since the MJ drama. Not going to lie, I wasn't looking forward to it. I didn't want to make that exact same trip I'd made nearly a month ago because I knew that I would struggle. I didn't want to be reminded of a person and a place that only a few weeks ago made me happy. We stopped in at his local and the only thing that helped me get through the emotions of being there was the fact that I knew he wasn't in the area. As hard as it was to make that trip on 2 separate occasions I'm glad that Willow and Jackson were there and that even though we stopped in at Cable Bay beach and swam that I could still enjoy it and have fun without having to worry about him.

All the MJ stuff aside I actually had an amazing 3 days with my 2 favourite people. Today we even drove to Auckland and managed to pick up Krispy Kreme doughnuts. Best thing about heading to Auckland is definitely doughnuts.

I'm looking forward to 2019 and I'm excited to see how the new year turns out. I really need to spend this year focusing on myself. No boys, no drama just focusing on myself and the goals that I want to achieve for 2019.

Roll on 2019 and let's make this the BEST one yet!






Sunday, 23 December 2018

Sometimes you must forget what you feel and remember what you deserve.

I had every intention of waiting.  I thought that he would see that the decisions and choices he was making weren't the "best" for him. I thought that he'd see through the deception and the manipulation instead, he saw it from a 'It is what it is" perspective.

I never expected that my 2018 would end like this at all. I thought that we had more time and I honestly thought stupidly that I was enough. I wasn't.  The only upside is that I can end my 2018 on a shit note and then go into 2019 not having to worry about what will happen. Or if I'm waiting for someone who didn't want me.

I don't regret the choices I made or falling in love.  I am sad and hurt that I got stuck in the middle of something where they felt they wanted and needed to play games and have power because I deserved better than that. I didn't ask for any of this but it happened and I can only move past it. Even though it hurts and I'm sad like the subject says, sometimes I have to forget what I feel and remember what I deserve.

I'm definitely the girl who needs companionship. That shit makes me happy. Unfortunately for me I'm way too nice and fall for the ones I shouldn't because I think I can save them. Because I think that we all deserve this "fairy tale" romantic relationship. The reality of that is, I know it's not true and it's totally not possible but hey a girl can totally still dream.

I feel okay about what happened and I'm glad that I know now that I can just move on and not have to start off my new year with a "what if". It's time to let go and figure out what 2019 has in store for me.  As I have always said, things can only get better from here.

Now hurry up and get here 2019!

Wednesday, 19 December 2018

Missing you comes in waves. Tonight I'm drowning.

This past week has been hard. We went from lets go through this together to, I need space and I don't really know how to ask for it. Things happened that led to me having to "walk away". That hurt more than I thought but the reality of our situation is that, even though I didn't have a choice in any of it and even though yes I said I would walk away if he had asked it doesn't mean it hurts any less.

I'm lucky that I've got good supportive friends who help me deal with my shit and I'm lucky that said friends still want to spend time with me even though I'm all Debbie downer. The hurt is still there and I think it will be there a while but I'm trying. I don't know how long it will take for the hurt to go away or if it will go away but I do know the only thing I can do is TRY.

I miss the conversations we'd have and it's difficult at times when things keep happening that I find myself wishing I could tell him all about it. Don't get me wrong, I've been tempted too. I've even stared at my phone and thought how easy it would be to just message but I know I can't. He messaged the other day and my reply was so cold. It was straight forward and to the point. I hated doing it but I knew it was the only thing I could do to protect myself. There were so many things I wanted to say to him but I knew it wasn't "right". He's decided to choose this life and I need to find the strength that I know I have to move on or away from this situation, even if it hurts.

I don't know what will happen over the next few weeks, months or year but all I can do is be myself. To try and deal with this in whatever way works for me. Whether that's to blog, cry, party, drink, or be Debbie downer for a month I really don't know. I do know that there are some days I'm going to hate him, love him, wish we were together, wish we'd never met, wished things could have been different but I know at the end of it, I'll come out stronger and better for it having gone through this situation.

It's nearly 2019 time to try and get in some goals and focus on myself and studies and figure out where I feel like my life is, needs to be or is headed.