Monday, 25 February 2019

Nothing holds you back more than your own insecurities

Sometimes it happens to the best of us. We think we have it all figured it out and then out of nowhere our insecurities hit us like a ton of bricks.

One of my biggest insecurities is feeling like I'm not wanted or needed.  Or feeling like I'm too much work for people. It's like my mind goes on this tangent and I struggle at times to come back from it and then before I know it I've played out in my mind a scenario that hasn't even happened. It's hard and it's something that at times I struggle with.  I guess there is a part of me that uses it as a coping mechanism. A way to "push" people away so that I don't end up hurt.  A way for me to find some reason or excuse as to why I don't deserve something good in my life.

I know it sounds like I'm having some sort of episode but I'm really not, sometimes my own insecurities get the better of me and that makes people want to take a step back. To be honest, I didn't think it would happen and it's been a long time that my insecurities have got the best of me. I'm always the girl who is up for giving anything a go. Try this. Do that. Take a chance. I'm probably over thinking it all and that's sometimes what happens. It doesn't happen often but when it does I guess it goes to the extreme.

I guess it's something for me to work on. To remember that even though we have our insecurities that majority of people don't tend to see them. My only hope is that I'll be able to let my insecurities go because I think this one is different.

Wednesday, 6 February 2019

My Last Goodbye

I’m writing this because I feel it needs to be said. I need to show myself that I can do this, without you. 

It hurts to admit but, you broke my heart. You let me fall and for the first time since my marriage ended you were my first. You were the first person I let get so close that I fell in love. I fell hard and fast and it was some whirlwind romance but I also think there was a big part of it that was all just a game. I feel used. I feel like you got what you wanted out of our relationship only to go back to the same thing you didn’t want. 

You told me things that made me have hope for a future and even right to the end you still made me have hope. You were the one who said you wanted to be friends. To be in each other’s lives. That we’d get through this together but you lied. You knew what and who you wanted and it wasn’t even a week in before you’d made your choice and kicked me to the side to deal with it all on my own. I trusted you. I let you into my world, into my life and you threw it all back into my face. I know you’ve said sorry that you didn’t mean to hurt me but you did. You hurt me, you broke my heart and I had to go through the motions while you got to live your happy life as if I wasn’t even a big part of it. 

We both know the life you choose to live is going to be the one you say you don’t want. You’ll go have “fun” and keep it a secret because people aren’t “accepting” of it. Or you’ll go have “fun” because having power and control is what you both seem to need. I guess all I want is for you to be honest. With yourself. With your family. With your friends. There’s only so much “fun” you can have before you’re back to where you were when we first met. Which by the way, there really is no difference between “fun” and what it was when we met, they’re both the same thing. You’ve just got to learn to not be in denial. 

It’s time to move on. To leave the memories of you behind. I can’t waste my life waiting for something. For my own sanity and wellbeing I need to let go. So this is it, my last goodbye.

Thursday, 31 January 2019

Wellyweird

The one thing I've always loved about being here in Wellington (aside from it's Wellington) is that I don't have to worry about anyone or anything.  It gives me time to think, to clear my head and get away from everything that is "my life". With what's been going on with MJ and as selfish as it is, I needed to get away and come to somewhere that was my comfortable. I needed familiarity and to be able to do nothing if I wanted and Wellington was the best place for that. It's honestly been one of the best things I could have done for myself these last couple of months.

I'm not expecting anything from Wellington but I wanted to be able to come away from this trip feeling good about where I'm at in my life. That the choices I'm choosing to make are the right ones for me.  I needed to feel that I could take this time out from life and responsibilities and just focus on how I was feeling. That I could find the courage to get back into doing things that once reminded me of a person who meant so much to me. I needed this time. To spend a week doing absolutely nothing and not feel guilty for it.

It was the exact same thing with moving rooms. Before I flew out to Wellington I'd moved my things out of the back room and into the front room because I needed change. I needed some of that feng shui shit and I thought what better way to do it than to move to a new bedroom. I even got myself a free desk for studying at. My room and bed are super small BUT it's the little things that make all the difference right?

I really am feeling good. I moved rooms. I came away to Wellington and I nearly met up with someone for coffee. I'm feeling good about everything. I really do think that this trip helped me to just sit with my own thoughts and process them when I was ready and I think that's important. Wellington will always be my comfortable and that's okay.

School goes back in a few weeks and I feel like I'm ready to get back into it. I need proper routine and I need to start focusing more on myself which this trip really has helped me to do. I'm so glad I took this trip. Maybe it's one I need to take more often.

Monday, 7 January 2019

You learn more about someone at the end of a relationship than you do at the beginning

This time a month ago I was looking forward to spending the weekend with MJ, little did I know it was the weekend that would end it all. It still hurts and there are days where I wished things were different. Days where my heart hurts that I feel like it's breaking into a million pieces. I never expected to get so caught up as fast or as hard as I did.

I honestly thought we had more time. I thought that things were going to be different but as much as it hurts I'm glad that in some crazy way he "helped" me to figure out that I wanted my 2019 to be an amazing one. That I could start my 2019 on a better note rather than wait until it was "supposed" to end and then have a bad 2019 being all sad. So yes, in some stupid way I'm thankful to him for that.

What hurts the most though isn't that MJ and I aren't together it's that since it ended I've not seen a best friend of mine because in some way she reminds me of him. There's a part of me that feels like I "used" her for my own "personal gain" and then that makes me feel guilty. Then it hurts me because we're supposed to be best friends yet I'm over here trying to get over him and missing my friend at the same time. I know that I don't need to feel guilty or bad but I also know at the same time that I've been a terrible friend. She's not done anything wrong but be an awesome friend and I need to make time for her and take a girls trip to make new amazing awesome beach memories. Friends are important to me and if I want to be able to move past the whole MJ thing then spending time with the people I care about is what will help.

I really don't know what will happen in the future and yes there will be times where I miss him. Where I miss the views, the laughs, the dogs, our daily check ins, talks about the kids and the fun dates we'd go on but right now the only thing I can focus on is myself.

He's "robbed" me of a lot of the things that I use to do because they remind me of him and I can’t let him “control” me like that. I need to push through the hurt, the motions and try to make new memories because if I don't I'll never be able to move on with my life.

Small baby steps. I can do this. I have to do it, even if it's hard.


Monday, 31 December 2018

Goodbye 2018

In the last 72 hours Willow, Jackson and I have travelled over 700kms if not more. I made my first ever trip north since the MJ drama. Not going to lie, I wasn't looking forward to it. I didn't want to make that exact same trip I'd made nearly a month ago because I knew that I would struggle. I didn't want to be reminded of a person and a place that only a few weeks ago made me happy. We stopped in at his local and the only thing that helped me get through the emotions of being there was the fact that I knew he wasn't in the area. As hard as it was to make that trip on 2 separate occasions I'm glad that Willow and Jackson were there and that even though we stopped in at Cable Bay beach and swam that I could still enjoy it and have fun without having to worry about him.

All the MJ stuff aside I actually had an amazing 3 days with my 2 favourite people. Today we even drove to Auckland and managed to pick up Krispy Kreme doughnuts. Best thing about heading to Auckland is definitely doughnuts.

I'm looking forward to 2019 and I'm excited to see how the new year turns out. I really need to spend this year focusing on myself. No boys, no drama just focusing on myself and the goals that I want to achieve for 2019.

Roll on 2019 and let's make this the BEST one yet!






Sunday, 23 December 2018

Sometimes you must forget what you feel and remember what you deserve.

I had every intention of waiting.  I thought that he would see that the decisions and choices he was making weren't the "best" for him. I thought that he'd see through the deception and the manipulation instead, he saw it from a 'It is what it is" perspective.

I never expected that my 2018 would end like this at all. I thought that we had more time and I honestly thought stupidly that I was enough. I wasn't.  The only upside is that I can end my 2018 on a shit note and then go into 2019 not having to worry about what will happen. Or if I'm waiting for someone who didn't want me.

I don't regret the choices I made or falling in love.  I am sad and hurt that I got stuck in the middle of something where they felt they wanted and needed to play games and have power because I deserved better than that. I didn't ask for any of this but it happened and I can only move past it. Even though it hurts and I'm sad like the subject says, sometimes I have to forget what I feel and remember what I deserve.

I'm definitely the girl who needs companionship. That shit makes me happy. Unfortunately for me I'm way too nice and fall for the ones I shouldn't because I think I can save them. Because I think that we all deserve this "fairy tale" romantic relationship. The reality of that is, I know it's not true and it's totally not possible but hey a girl can totally still dream.

I feel okay about what happened and I'm glad that I know now that I can just move on and not have to start off my new year with a "what if". It's time to let go and figure out what 2019 has in store for me.  As I have always said, things can only get better from here.

Now hurry up and get here 2019!

Wednesday, 19 December 2018

Missing you comes in waves. Tonight I'm drowning.

This past week has been hard. We went from lets go through this together to, I need space and I don't really know how to ask for it. Things happened that led to me having to "walk away". That hurt more than I thought but the reality of our situation is that, even though I didn't have a choice in any of it and even though yes I said I would walk away if he had asked it doesn't mean it hurts any less.

I'm lucky that I've got good supportive friends who help me deal with my shit and I'm lucky that said friends still want to spend time with me even though I'm all Debbie downer. The hurt is still there and I think it will be there a while but I'm trying. I don't know how long it will take for the hurt to go away or if it will go away but I do know the only thing I can do is TRY.

I miss the conversations we'd have and it's difficult at times when things keep happening that I find myself wishing I could tell him all about it. Don't get me wrong, I've been tempted too. I've even stared at my phone and thought how easy it would be to just message but I know I can't. He messaged the other day and my reply was so cold. It was straight forward and to the point. I hated doing it but I knew it was the only thing I could do to protect myself. There were so many things I wanted to say to him but I knew it wasn't "right". He's decided to choose this life and I need to find the strength that I know I have to move on or away from this situation, even if it hurts.

I don't know what will happen over the next few weeks, months or year but all I can do is be myself. To try and deal with this in whatever way works for me. Whether that's to blog, cry, party, drink, or be Debbie downer for a month I really don't know. I do know that there are some days I'm going to hate him, love him, wish we were together, wish we'd never met, wished things could have been different but I know at the end of it, I'll come out stronger and better for it having gone through this situation.

It's nearly 2019 time to try and get in some goals and focus on myself and studies and figure out where I feel like my life is, needs to be or is headed.

Wednesday, 12 December 2018

I wasn’t expecting that...

A couple of times in your life, it happens like that. You meet a stranger, and all you know is you need to know everything about them.

Four months ago, this stranger came crashing into my life and for the first 96 hours we'd message constantly trying to find out everything we could about each other. Work and school were put on hold and for those first 4 days we opened up to each other in a way I never knew was possible. He shared it all with me. There wasn't a whole lot we'd missed talking about in those first 96 hours.

When we met for the first time it had felt like we'd know each other in a previous life. We were both so comfortable and there was never a moment of awkward silence. We laughed. He had the best smile and the kindest eyes. We ate the messiest food you could ever have on a first date and enjoyed hearing each other’s stories in more detail. The hours went by so fast as we talked into the night. about our families, our relationships, my health issues, his children, everything.  Neither of us wanted to sleep and as we laid there next to each other it was crazy to think that only 96 hours previously that this stranger had come crashing into my life and that the very first thought that came to my mind was, I wasn’t expecting that. 

It was important to me that we went on dates and spent time with each other. We’d have little 3-hour McDonalds dates or dates at the movies. Sometimes we’d go away to Paihia, dates were important to me and I’m glad that he wanted to date me as much as I did him. As cheesy as it is almost 2 months in, we confessed our love. We were happy and wanted to spend as much time together as we could. We would drive to see each other and spend weekends together. Every time we had to leave it got harder. 

A few weeks back we had a date in Paihia. I never knew then that it would be one of the last dates we’d go on. It was by far our best date ever. We checked into our motel, had drinks and had an amazing awesome relaxing spa together drinking on bubbles like we were living some fancy lifestyle. This man made me happy. He made me smile and I didn’t want the date to end. We went to dinner, laughed, had fun then we went out on the town like some young couple in love and had more drinks. The next day we checked out had breakfast before parking up in front of the beach laying together talking and crying and just enjoying being with each other. I didn’t want to leave but we knew our date had to come to an end and we needed to go back to our “normal lives”. As hard as it is for us to leave, we always had that thought of “we would see each other again soon then”. 

Things went south last weekend when we went away, and it was then that I knew I needed to get out. Not because he was hurting me, or because we didn’t love each other but because it was the right thing to do. I nearly left when he was sleeping because I couldn’t deal with the fact that we were about to hurt each other by ending our relationship. I left him sleeping packed my shit and sat there watching him sleep trying to find the courage to leave. Trying to be brave to just walk out and not have to deal with the aftermath of what was going to happen. I couldn’t do that to him and I couldn’t do that to myself. Why would I want to put either of us through that? Instead, I could just leave, and we’d never have to see each other again. I could do that, and it would be easier.  At the same time, I knew I couldn’t do that. I knew we needed to talk, and I couldn’t just leave. I woke him up and so began our rough, crazy, sad, hard, every emotion under the sun weekend. 

For the next 36 hours we’d spend it doing a mix of laughing, crying, having fun, watching the rest of a TV show we’d started together, cooking together, enjoying the view from the deck. I struggled, and I could feel my heart slowly breaking with every passing hour knowing that once I left, I wouldn’t be coming back. I never knew I could cry as much as I did in those 36 hours. I loved being with this man yet at the same time I knew it was about to end and that hurt more than I thought it would.  I always said from the beginning that if meeting me helped him in some way that I would be okay with whatever happened with us. I was, and I am okay I just thought we had more time. It wasn’t meant to end like this. We were supposed to have more time. We still had things we were meant to do but we knew we couldn’t keep going. We knew it would only hurt us more if we did. 

Neither of us knows what will happen but right now in this moment this is the right thing to do for him. I love him enough that I can let him go. As much as it hurts me and makes me sad, I want him to be sure that he’s making the right choice for him and if he chooses to walk away from the things that have kept him where he is now then that is on his terms. Not because of me, or because of other people’s choices but because of him. He needs to go on this journey without me and as much as I would have loved to have gone on it with him I can’t. He is stronger than he thinks, and I would like to hope that in some way I helped him become the stronger person that he is today. He is an amazing man and I’m lucky that for the last 4 months I got to spend time falling, loving and being loved by him. My heart hurts and it will still hurt for a while, but we have memories and we are still friends. We didn’t end our relationship on bad terms so while it may have just been easier to hate each other and get out of each other’s lives for good we decided to be there for each other as friends and see if we can’t get through this together. Yes, it may sound fucked up because why go through the hurt of that, but I honestly think that for the both of us not having each other in our lives would hurt more. 

It’s been 3 days since I last saw him, and it has been the longest 3 days of my life. I know that the both of us are emotionally and physically drained, but we are trying to get through this. We can’t go through what we did and just end it all as if it didn’t happen. As if it meant nothing. We’ve continued to message and chat when we can, but he’s been away for work which makes it easier and difficult all at the same time having to try and deal with the motions of everything. 

I really have no idea what will happen, but I do know that I don’t regret any of it. I knew what I was getting into from the beginning I just didn’t know how deep I would fall. I fell in love with a man who was himself. He didn’t have to be anyone else but himself and that was the man I fell in love with. A man who made me smile, laugh, feel good, and who loved me for me. A man who loved with all that he had. 

If he chooses to stay where he is and make things work or if he chooses to leave and pursue something different my only hope is that he makes the right choice for him. Not for his family, his kids or his work but for him. Despite everything we’ve been through, the hurt and sadness he still deserves happiness. I’ve always said I would be here for him as a friend and even though it’s hard to believe, my opinion and advise to him won’t ever be clouded by my emotion. I want him to be the happy that he deserves. The MJ happy. 

Not everything is supposed to become something beautiful and long-lasting. Sometimes people come into our lives to show us what is right and wrong, to show us who we can be, to teach us to love ourselves, to make us feel better for a while or to just be someone to walk with and share our lives with. That is us. We came into each other’s lives for a reason and even if it wasn’t meant to be, we can be grateful for what we’ve given each other already.  

Maybe we are that couple who met the right people at the wrong time and that’s okay too. Life has a crazy way of throwing us curve balls and no one really knows what life is going to throw at us. We can only hope for the best and take what we can from this and either choose to be bitter or be grateful for the experiences it has taught us. 

I can’t speak for MJ but regardless of what happens next week, next month or a year from now and despite how cheesy this is there will always be a corner of my heart that is always his. Not for now or until I find someone else, I mean forever. Whether I fall in love a thousand times over or once or never again there will always be a small quiet place in my heart that belongs only to him. I loved him with all that I had, and I still do BUT I also love him enough to let him go out on this journey of self-discovery. To figure out if this is the life he wants. The love that he wants. I can do that for him because even though it hurts me I love him enough to let him go.