Friday, 18 November 2011

Bumpy Ride

Sometimes I feel like I’m on an emotional roller coaster that just continuously goes round and round not stopping to let anyone one or off the ride. It’s at times sickening and as much as you want to get off there’s no stopping it, at least not yet. I’ve been on this ride now for the past 3 months. I’ve seen people coming and going, some have been on the ride a mere 30 minutes where others like me have been on it for months. However there are those few who have been on this ride for years, sometimes I wonder how they cope. I guess we all have our way of dealing with the ups and downs of our own emotional roller coaster ride.

The first week was the hardest. I felt like all I could do was cry. My heart was hurting and there wasn’t anything that could help that hurt. I kept myself busy in the day being a “second-mum” to a friend’s baby. It was all I did. My day was filled with nappies, feeding, baby talk, playing, the works; it was all I could do to keep my mind off of everything that was going on. I made sure I was busy. I didn’t want to have to think about what was going on in my life. How the choices and decisions I had made had led me to where I was now.

Nights were/are the hardest for me. Laying there in the dark your mind wonders and you actually have time to think about everything. I guess that’s why most nights I have trouble sleeping.

As the weeks and months have slowly gone by I feel like I’m some what in a better head space. I’m feeling a lot more relaxed and I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Granted the way I went about things wasn’t the best way and I know that I hurt a lot of people on the way my ex husband especially. If I could, I’d have done things differently and I’m sorry that I didn’t. There are days when I regret the things I’ve done that have lead me to where I am today and all the apologies in the world just don’t help sometimes but if it did help, I’d apologize a million times over

I know eventually I’ll have to start working on the issues that I have, but until then I’ll keep riding this ride and hopefully the next time it stops I’ll be the one getting off.

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