Sunday, 5 February 2012

Lifes Questions

There are times when I feel so sad that all I want is a hug from you. Times where I think about our life wondering how and where it all went wrong.

Were we doomed from the beginning? Was I not ready for a 'real life' relationship? Did I do it all for the wrong reasons? Was she right when she said you deserved better than me? Were we meant to go through what we did for a reason? So many question and not enough answers.

Sometimes I've sat and read journal entries from the beginning of our relationship and it was great...we had so much fun but as it went on and before we were even married we began to have problems.

Sure everyone had problems but ours, they started small and just got worse...I began to doubt myself and our relationship and then as we married I doubted myself even more. Even earlier on, I knew I had issues. I was scared of losing you. Aren't we all scared of that? Losing someone we love?

I regret a lot of the things I've done and if I could I'd have gone about things in a different way. A way in which didn't hurt as many people as it has. I truly am sorry for the hurt I have caused and even though you've forgiven me I know that deep down it won't ever stop hurting and I'm sorry for that as well.

I do hope that one day you can find the peace that you need to be able to move on with your life. You deserve to be happy, we both do.

I guess for me, I'm just trying to figure out what I'm meant to be doing with myself and slowly with the help of DS and seeing her every week I'm progressing. Sure I have a lot of work to do but no one is perfect nor are we able to reach perfection, though we can try and it's what I'm doing it's all I can do right now.

You really do deserve to be happy and I really mean it when I say I'm sorry. I didn't want it to end up like this and I'm sorry that you found out the way that you did, you deserved to have heard it from me and I'm sorry you didn't. I am grateful though that you heard it from someone who I knew would be there for you and would support you if and when you needed it.

I sincerely hope that you are in a better place and that you are getting the help and support that you need to be able to pull through all of this. I don't expect you to forget, but I do hope that one day you can look back on this and see that you were able to push past it all and just let go. Don't dwell on the past it'll only eat you alive and you deserve much more than that.

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