How did I let myself get so involved? Is it wrong of me to be jealous? To hope that maybe the things that we did together were special? It wasn't anything new...nothing I hadn't heard before but it's different from another persons perspective.
It hurt just as much as it did when he first told me about it, it still hurts and it's why I'm blogging.
I knew what it was in the beginning. It was about fun and sharing experiences. He made me feel comfortable. He never once judged me and I was grateful to him for that.
It's been nearly 9 months of intense conversations, sharing secrets, sexual encounters, tears, laughs and sometimes along the way a bit of heart ache.
I thought I could do it but I don't think I can. I'm torn between whether to go or not to go. Going would result in hurt and not going would be the same because I don't know how to let go.
As much as it hurts right now, he's the only one I wish were here to give me hugs but that doesn't help the situation.
We have a complicated relationship we do. One which I don't even think I'd wish on my worst enemy. In the end someone always gets hurt and it's a fact, they never leave.
I've wished it so many times that things would progress into something else but they won't. It won't ever be us. I wish I was enough but I'm not that either. I'm in way too deep and I'm about to drown.
Moving on will be the best thing not just for me but him. He can move onto bigger and better things and I won't have to feel so hurt about the whole thing because as I've said before...sometimes I like to torture myself and while we're 'together' I'll just keep doing it and that's not smart.
It's a tough decision and even though it's laid out in black and white..I'm still unsure as to whether I should stay or go.