Tuesday, 30 April 2013

Him

As I sit here and ponder the last few days. I'm left wondering Where it all went wrong?  What made him do what he did?  Was it all a game to him?  Did he tell me what I wanted to hear?  Whatever the reason I'm not going to be bitter about it or at him.  Sure I'm hurt but I can get past this as I have done so many other things I've gone through in my life.
Sometimes I feel sad and sorry for him because maybe he didn't want to hurt me but didn't know how to be the "mean" guy and let me down gently.  Maybe he's not as emotionally mature as I thought he was.  I really do hope that whatever happens that they make each other happy.

I don't know what parts of the weekend were real for him or what parts were a game.  I don't even know if any of the weekend was real for him.  I can't begin to imagine how hard it was for him to lie to my face the whole weekend.  Sure I can go on about how he's a jerk or call him every name under the sun but what would that accomplish?  It doesn't make me any better than it does him.  As much as I wished I'd have left Friday or Saturday when things turned pear shape I'm glad I stayed the whole weekend. I got to see the whole weekend out and come away from it all somewhat sad but also glad I won't have what if's or regrets.

I'm glad I can move on and away from the weekend knowing that I did everything right.  I was the person who was there for him when he needed me.  I was the person who helped him through it all.  I was the one who tried to help him see the clearer picture.  I thought after we spent 9 hours in bed Saturday talking it meant something but I'm not going to dwell on what I could change or would change about the weekend.

All in all the weekend was actually really great. I learnt a lot about myself and him and it made me realise that I'm ready to be in a relationship.  I hope that one day he realises how what he did was wrong and that there were better ways he could've gone about all of it. I really do wish him the best.  After everything that he's going through and has gone through he deserves to be happy.  I only wish that he saw what I saw in him, her, them and everything else that is going on in his life. 

I will miss his friendship, the lyrics, the songs, the random jokes, the awesome accent, the food pictures but most of all I will miss the guy I thought I was getting to know.  The guy I thought wanted the same things as me.  The guy I thought was someone different.  Maybe he doesn't really exist?

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