Friday, 17 May 2013

Debbie Downer

I'm a wear my heart on my sleeve kinda girl.  I've always been like that ever since I can remember.  I fall in like too easily and enjoy the feeling of getting to know someone and opening my heart and everything up to them.

This morning after being at work for a good maybe hour the IT guy came over to my desk hugged me and kissed my head and said I was looking a bit flat.  A lot of people notice when I am down and as much as I try to not let it show at work... I'm a lot more quiet and less out going than I am if I was the 'normal" me.  I do love the people I work with and I'm grateful that when I have no family around I have friends who a year or even 2 years ago I din't have. 

I don't know what I would do without the support I get from everyone who has been there for me and I don't know how I could ever repay them for their kindness and generosity.  I am so grateful and blessed to have such people in my life.

Thank you to all of you. 

Pick Me, Choose Me, Love Me.

Pick me, choose me, (and if you've seen the episode) love me. - Courtesy of Meredith Grey.

That weekend in Taupo was a mix of things you would either see or not see in a movie.  There were moments where we were happy.  It was as if we were a couple but then there were times when we were the best of friends who just enjoyed spending time together.

There are times when I sit and think how much of an idiot I must've looked like as we both laid there in bed together me bawling my eyes out and telling him how he was choosing to be with someone who treated him like crap and made him feel bad for something he didn't do.  Or the time when we stood there in the shower that morning the exact same words coming out of my mouth as the water hid my tears.  Telling him to Pick Me, Choose Me.  Choose the girl who isn't going to treat you like crap. Even now as I write and think about it I feel like such an idiot.  I sometimes wish I could go back and change everything that happened BUT I know there was a reason why I went through what I did with him. I wished that it were different and I wished that we could have still been friends but end of the day I will always be "that girl" to her. 

I miss our friendship more than I thought I would.  I don't even miss the romantical side of our relationship.  I miss his friendship.  I'm sad with how everything turned out but I am so happy that he is happy.  He deserves it... so do I. 

Monday, 13 May 2013

Fortnight Monday

It really feels like the longest 2 weeks of my life. I miss him and our friendship but I'm happy that he's happy. I'm moving past it all...well trying and eventually it will get easier. :)

I guess it's hard for me to get my head around the fact that we went slow and something happened for them in 10 days that didn't happen for us in a month (which is ok - I know that happens) its just the whole he and I can't be friends anymore because I'm 'that girl' 

I'm ok. :) I don't need friends like him in my life especially after the way he treated me and let her treat me. 

Up and onward I say. 

Friday, 3 May 2013

Lost Friendship

I miss his friendship more than I thought. I know I don't need those kinds of friends in my life but he was the one I shared my day with. I miss the weirdlyness of our friendship.

The other night when we talked I could tell things were different. He wasn't the sane funny weirdly guy I knew (or thought I knew). He seemed more quiet. He wasn't as friendly. His personality wasn't shining through like it usually does. I know how he feels isn't something I should concern myself with especially after everything that happened but I still care about him. He became like a best friend to me. We were meant to be in each others lives but things changed when he decided to choose her.

I really am happy for him I just hope that he really is happy and that he's not 'sucking it up' as we both like to call it.

It's a sad thing how 4 days ago we were the best of friends and today we're complete strangers.

I'm getting past it all and learning to let go of the friendlationship (it's what we called it) it's just hard when all I can think about is how much I miss his friendship.

Wednesday, 1 May 2013


Tonight I took the higher ground and messaged him.

I felt the least he could do was give me an explanation as to why he felt it was ok to do what they did to me. I needed him to know what he did wasn't ok and how much it hurt. You're not meant to treat your friends the way he let her treat me.

She was angry with him and he let her take it out on me. That's never ok and I'm glad I told him it wasn't ok.

I've lost a friend but I've gained a better understanding about myself and know that of all the things I've been through including this I can totally pull through it. It's been a rough couple days who am I kidding week but I'm so grateful for friends and family who have been there for me.

I'm glad I had the courage to stand up for myself and that I was the one who took the higher ground.

Let Her Go

Well you only need the light when it's burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go
Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you're missing home
Only know you love her when you let her go
And you let her go
Oh oh oh no
And you let her go
Oh oh oh no
Well you let her go

The day I left I was stood in the kitchen bawling my eyes out in his arms not because we weren't going to be together but because I was sad and scared of losing a best friend if he chose to pursue something with her.  I've heard it 3 times now today and everytime I hear it my heart breaks just that little bit more.

How am I meant to get past the fact that music was our thing.  I hear songs on the radio that remind me of him and even as I type this yet another song is playing.  I don't know how I am meant to pull through it all when there are so many things that remind me of him.  I am so happy that he has found someone who will make him happy.  He deserves to be happy.  I just don't know how we can go from talking everyday for the past month to nothing in 2 days?  What happened? I was meant to be his best friend.  I was meant to be the person he didn't want to not have in his life. 

Perhaps my gf is right maybe I need to listen to some gangstah rap!  It might just pull me out of this funk I seem to be in at the moment.