Thursday, 5 May 2016

Never Chase Love, Affection, Or Attention....

"Never chase love, affection, or attention. If it isn't given freely by another person, it isn't worth having..."

This is something that I've been struggling with the last few days (weeks).  I'm tired of being the person who always has to make the effort.  I've had people come and go in my life and I totally get that everyone has their own life and their own battles that they're dealing with but (and there's always a but) why am I always the person who has to make the effort.  Is it too much to ask that for once someone goes out of their way to ask how I'm doing?  In almost every relationship I've had in my life whether it's been platonic or romantic I have always been the person that makes the effort.  It hurts but I guess I have got so use to it that to some degree it's "normal".

Don't get me wrong not every relationship has been like that.  I can count on one hand the people who are in my life and have been in my life these several years who ALWAYS check up on me.  One is someone I met online way back when and has been with me through every bad, happy, great, sad, amazing and pretty much all the ups and downs in my life.  The other is someone who to be honest I least expected.  We met a few years back and for the most part, our relationship was that of one with benefits.  I never expected it would ever get to anything more and it hasn't but he's been an amazing friend when I have needed someone to talk to and even though his life is busy he still finds time to check in and see how I am doing.  There are a handful of other people as well but they're not around as much as I thought they would/should/could be.

I use to think that it was okay to always be the person who would chase after people. Arranging dates, lunches, catch ups or even just a quick text to see how someone was/is doing and even though I struggle with the whole wanting and always needing to be that person who makes the effort I know that it's not okay.  I shouldn't have to make "excuses" as to why someone hasn't messaged, checked in or asked how I'm doing.  I don't always have to be the nice guy (girl).

I have a friend who always made it his thing of saying that he doesn't appreciate people who only ever want to spend time with him when he's made the effort, or who only ever message/text him when they need something.  The funny thing is he does the exact same thing to me. It's like why go on about people not wanting to spend time with you or going out of their way for you when when it comes to our friendship it's okay for it to be one sided?  Or another friend who even though he seems to like and enjoy my company the communication is pretty much non existent now.  I guess people seem to think it's okay to have double standards.

So much has happened recently that it's made me realise that I need to be stronger and not feel bad or guilty for not being there for people who aren't there for me.  Life is way too short to worry about what other people think of you and to wonder if so and so is thinking about me. If they are, they'll let you know and if not then you're not a priority to them.  That doesn't mean you're not important it just means, that person is missing out on the awesome that is you.

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