Monday, 17 October 2016

Public Transport

Boy am I glad today is over and I'm even more glad I told Wade alcohol was needed at his place for my arrival.  He had wine which is awesome since he doesn't drink it.

Woke this morning and caught up with a  friend which was awesome.  Decide to catch a ride with said friend to Albany as it gave us a little more time to catch up. It did mean getting back to the other side of town but it would be worth it to catch up.  I did also have plans of grabbing a bite to eat there but couldn't decide what I wanted so ended up just walking to the bus station 15 mins away to make my way to the airport. 

I'm a pro at public transport now.  Haha.  Since catching it from yesterday and 5 million times today that would make me a pro.  Lol.  Managed to catch the bus,  the train and the bus to the airport and made it without getting on or off at the wrong stop.  Thank goodness the train announces which stop is next otherwise knowing my lucky I'd have gone all the way to Papakura lol. 

Arrived at the airport 1230pm for a 445pm flight which was fine as I hadn't had anything to eat.  Ordered some food and ate which managed to kill some time.  Then I kind of just chilled out.  Met an awesome lady who literally lives around the corner from me so we got chatting as she wanted to know about my trachy then kept on apologising for asking.  I laughed it off said it was fine as I'm use to it.  I get questions all the time.  That killed another hour then at 230pm we were told our flight was delayed till 550pm. Awesome another hour to sit in the airport.  Oh well,  at least all the interesting people you see can keep you entertained.  Not an hour late however our flight was delayed yet again.  This time we were to fly out at 620pm.  By 430pm I was done.  Over being in the airport and over delayed flights.  I managed to sneak off to the airport bar and grab a well deserved drink.  I couldn't wait for Wellington and even though I knew the drink would be expensive I totally didn't care lol.  The $9 cider totally helped get the edge off.

Flight was great.  Quick fast and soo glad to have finally got out of the airport.  We had BK for dinner sooo today's been a crap day foodwise but that's okay in Wellington and that's the main thing. 

Now to just relax and hang out and hope to get Wade away even if just for the day to get a break away from work and life.

Sunday, 16 October 2016

Day of Rest

Today wasn't all that interesting to be honest.  I spent most of the day catching the bus to Auckland. Caught up with a friend for the afternoon and that was pretty much it.  Not even anything worth blogging about but since I don't want to miss a day I thought why not blabber on about nothing. 

These last few days I've also been participating in the photo a day post being run by Mental health foundation of NZ.  It's been fun being able to post photos of a specific theme everyday.  I know a lot of people who struggle through and with mental illness so I was happy to be able to participate.  I've often wondered how people deal with mental illness because to be honest those of us who don't go through it tend to think people should just be happy or that something so little (to us)  shouldn't be a HUGE thing for others.  Unfortunately it is but I always admire those who go through life on top of the struggles they have to deal with.  I think life can sometimes such in general so having to deal with that on its own is hard enough for me let alone trying to deal with mental health issues as well so I really admire those who go through both. 

I know I'm rambling and I'll stop but I guess it's something to think about.  Everyone we meet is going through their own sort of battle.  Life is hard enough as it is so always be a friend and reach out to those who need us. 

Saturday, 15 October 2016

TAB Trackside

We all woke early this morning as the Kamo Club were having markets today.  Nan and I thought we'd be awesome and have some breakfast there.  Got up to the club,  looked around the stores as well as at the couple of hot rod cars that were there and found no food. I was a bit disappointed as I thought Yes!  Market food should be amazing. Sadly the only food they had were cake and tea. Not exactly what I wanted but we still looked around at the market and inside the club as Papa is thinking of joining. 

Weather was pretty bipolar today.  Couldn't decide if it was meant to rain or not.  Half the sky was  blue while the other half had dark clouds and rained like nobody's business. 

Went shopping at the Warehouse today too as I needed a new duvet cover and inner because the one on my bed was a Queen and way too big for it. 

Managed to sort myself out with that then Papa and I stopped in at the TAB so he could have a bet.  I've never been one to gamble on the horses because honestly I just have no clue on how it works.  Asked Papa to show me how to pick and away I went.  I didn't win anything lol but it was actually quite fun to watch the horses and hope the one/s you picked win. I'm not sure if I'll bet the horses again but I reckon it's better and more fun to bet the horses than it is to bet on the pokies. 

All in all had fun betting with Papa.  Gamblings in the blood though so best not get too addicted lol.  :P

Friday, 14 October 2016

Friday Fun

Today was an amazing day.  Spent the morning with Nikki and J and had so much fun. 

First stop was the nail salon where J went to get her nails done for the LYNKS social.  It was fun watching J get her nails done though she was pretty much over it after the first 5 minutes of having to wait for her nails to dry.  Didn't help she scratched the polish off accidently and the lady had to do them again. 

After getting her nails done we went to Quarry arts and looked at J doing art glasses which looks amazing.  They have a stepping stones program which runs for 6 weeks and is where people with disabilities go to do art.  J seems pretty keen so that will be another awesome thing for Nikki to do with J. 

Once we'd checked out Quarry arts we then hit the supermarket grabbed some lunch and went to Mair Park to eat and get in a quick 5 minute walk.  For some reason the salad that J got didn't have a fork in it sooo it was a eat our food with our fingers kind of day.  Super messy but end of the day J enjoyed it and had fun. 

Tonight we went to the LYNKS social.  The theme was Prince and Princess.  J decided she wanted to go as a Harry Potter Princess.  Then she changed her mind to be Hermaine from HP.  Nikki and I just went as random Princess'.  The social was amazing and I LOVED that you can dance like a crazy person and just have fun.  We managed to dance for 3 hours straight pretty much and I'm so glad J had fun. 

We've been home the last little while and J has already climbed into bed.  Can't wait for the next social.  Soo much fun and such amazing people to be around.

Thursday, 13 October 2016

Green Tomatoes

It's that time of the year again when we can plant our own  vegetables.  Since moving to Whangarei we've downgraded our garden size from that one we had last year soo we only grabbed a few things today. 

Had fun as we do planting everything.  We grabbed a few tomatoes,  peas and some lettuce.  We already planted spinach which is look awesome. Even though I have no clue how to grow things in my own garden I love getting out and helping the grandparents out.  Also gotta love eating your own food rather than the expensive stuff you get from the supermarket. 

Life is great and here's hoping we can get some other things planted soon as well. 

Wednesday, 12 October 2016

Crossing The Line

Generally I'm not really one to care what people do or who they do but today the grandparents and I were discussing the whole Aaron Smith ordeal.  Both of seemed to have a HUGE opinion on it,  which I'm not sure why but it's fun getting into discussions with them.

Nan seems to think the girl should have just kept her legs closed and that Aaron was/is an idiot.  There were a few other colorful words mixed in there as well but she just seems to think they were both stupid. 

Papa on the other hand.  He talks about people (for a better term of the word... "sleeping around")  like it's a really bad thing and people shouldn't be doing it.  He went on to say it was always said back in the days girls need to learn to not be all in your face.  Lol. 

My grandparents I think grew up in a time where things were always black and white there are no shades of grey.  Guys do outside work. Girls do inside work.  There isn't anything wrong with that but I'm more of a things should be done equally not this is my job this is yours. 

When it comes to Smith and his crazy toilet ventures my grandparents can be quite judgemental.  Things like,  he shouldn't have had sex in the toilet.  He should have kept his pants up.  She should have not been so loose and wanting to get with him. I laugh at how they base their opinions on Smith and this lady on what the media choose to share. 

My feelings on it all is...  Yes what Smith did was bad but it's not the end of the world. I totally get that he's an AB and it's the only reason why it's such a HUGE deal but end of the day everyone makes mistakes.

I also in a way feel bad for the couple who decided to go to the media. For some reason, they chose to watch them,  listen to and then record Smith and this girl having sex or doing whatever it was they decided to do in the toilets.  Now the couple are dealing with the backlash of the whole thing.  I'm not sure why they didn't choose to just leave it but I guess they thought the public "needed"  to know when in reality I don't think anyone would have cared.  Either that or maybe I'm just that small percentage of people that doesn't really care. 

If Smith was just a normal person not an AB or even if he wasn't in uniform would he have been outed?  There's no going back now I just find it weird that everyone was quick to jump on the he shouldn't do that he needs to lead by example because he's a public figure bandwagon.

Nan seemed to think maybe that couple who recorded Smith and this girl should have just shared it with their friends rather than the whole world.  Gosh I love Nan. 

Tuesday, 11 October 2016

Loving Family

Ended up at the court house with no one wanting to help me because apparently there's no such thing as meeting the duty solicitor until your day in court.  Lucky for me I had Nena who went out of her way to come to the court house and help me out. 

Saw the duty solicitor spoke with him and made a plan for next week because I knew I couldn't make court date.  I'm glad at least when I fly out there won't be a warrant for my arrest.  We don't want to see my photo on Police 10-7 now do we.  Hahaha. 

Pleaded guilty to speeding and now we wait till next Thursday when I find out the outcome of how it goes.  Duty solicitor seemed to think it was as serious of an offense as it could have been so thinks it would most likely be a fine,  demerits and seeing the rest of my 28 days out.  I'm still a little bit worried about it but won't waste my time thinking about it till next week when I call for the outcome. 

Nena and I also went out for coffee which was awesome.  Grabbed myself an ice mocha and a gluten free caramel slice.  Probably not the best food to eat since I'm you know meant to be trying to shift the number on the scales lol but you only live once.  Though really need to get back into it before I'm complaining that I'm the same weight I was a few years back. 

Had an awesome day with Nena and loved that she went out of her way to help me and loved the awesome chat we had as well. 

If there is anything that I'm grateful for with getting sick is being able to spend time with family that I never would have been able too had I not got sick.  I know I wouldn't have come to Whangarei to see family unless I needed too.  Life was always too busy.  Or I always had something more "important"  to do. So I'm glad that being sick has made me realise family is important and the people who will always be there for you.  Loving being able to get to know family I never would have known had it not been for being sick.  I'm also glad that I have a better relationship with Nan and Papa as well.  It almost makes me think I never want to move away from Whangarei ever again haha. 

Monday, 10 October 2016

District Court

After an awesome afternoon with family it ended a bit crazy.  Went down to the Police Station as I needed to make some sort of plan with court as it's next week (when I am away) rather than this week like the officer had told me it was going to be.  Luckily I had double checked the paperwork.  After speaking to an admin lady who to be honest didn't know anything and couldn't really help me told me to go to the court house I quickly rushed home and hoped to make the court house before it shut. 

I won't lie it's a hassle having to get people to take me everywhere but I'm lucky my Papa happily obliges to taking me.  Managed to get to the court house on time before deciding to take legal advise on what my options were  before filling out the paperwork and taking a guilty plea.  I emailed community law who were amazing and got in touch with me straight away.

I've got a few options but for now the best thing for me to do is to get to the court house tomorrow try and see the duty solicitor or the registrar and go from there.  I'm not sure how it's all going to pan out but I've got a few days before I have to be in Wellington just hoping I can get someone who will be understanding with the whole situation.

I never knew going to court was such a huge long process.  Never want to go through this again.  Not just because of the process but because it's a bad situation to be in and things could have been a lot more worse. 

Tomorrow we will see how it all pans out...

Sunday, 9 October 2016

Baking for Nikki

J and I had plans of baking a feijoa cake so we took a container of frozen feijoa out of the freezer and left it to defrost so we could get to it after dinner.  Plans changed when we didn't have eggs soo we used the already gross bananas that were way too overripe to eat and decided to make Banana loaf instead.

It's always a mission trying to make something that's healthy while still making it seem like a treat.  We all know I'm not the best baker out so trying to do a healthy balance of both is NEVER easy but a girl can always try right?

We quickly found a recipe and away we went.  I had already decided I was going to sub the sugar in the recipe for raw honey and the vegetable oil for coconut oil.  I wasn't too sure how I was going to go with the swap outs of white flour for almond meal/flour or coconut flour so instead we kept it in.  To be honest,  I probably could have done a quick search but I was already mixing the rest of the ingredients together and I didn't want to make a bland boring cake for everyone.

J had fun mixing and adding the ingredients to the bowl and I'm glad we were able to do some baking together. I do think though her favourite part of it all was eating the batter from the bowl.  Lol.

Even if doesn't look so amazing or like a cake at all lol who doesn't love to bake on a gross wet rainy night like tonight? The main thing is J had fun trying to make something for Nikki which was the only reason she wanted to bake lol.

Saturday, 8 October 2016

Name Change

Eleven years ago I married the person I was meant to be with forever and for those who have followed the blog will also know that five years ago my marriage ended.  I never imagined I would be where I am today but like a friend and I both agree on... even though I have "nothing"  to show for the last 5 years I'm a much better person for it.  I've come a very long way in 5 years. I'm more confident.  I stand up for myself.  I'm more open with my feelings and I'm able to recognise (even when it's hard)  that I deserve better.  Sure there are a lot of things that I could still change and do differently or better and I'm slowly getting there it will just take some time. 

In September of 2013 we were coming up on 2 years of separation.  My ex husband had emailed to remind me of this and that he would be visiting NZ and wanted a divorce. The only request that was made from him when we divorced was that I changed my last name. For all of my adult life I had always been Smith and with it being such a common name I didn't see the point in changing it.  I also didn't want to have the hassle of having to change everything because who really wants to have to change ALL of your legal documents back to your maiden name. 

It's now been 3 years since we were officially and legally divorced.  My ex husband has since remarried and I'm still here 11 years on using Smith.  I don't know if it was time that I needed but these last few days and I think mostly in part to meeting Sister Soderberg that I've felt that I need to start fresh.  I need to move on with my life.  Try to be a better person and even though it won't happen overnight I know the only thing I can do everyday is to keep trying. 

It's the last quarter of 2016 and 2017 is literally around the corner. Who knows, maybe starting the new year with a "new name"  will make a huge difference in how my year will be. 

Online changes first and the rest will follow...

Friday, 7 October 2016


Relationships of all kinds are always complicated.  There are so many things that could go wrong yet at the same time there are so many things that could go amazingly right. 

I think we all put ourselves out there and hope like hell that we don't get hurt or that we don't hurt someone we care about.  Unfortunately this isn't always the case.  Someone eventually is bound to be hurt whether intentional or not.

I know I've been on both ends of the equation.  I've hurt people and people have hurt me.  I always use to think (and I guess to some degree I still sort of believe it) that, for every time I'm hurt it makes up for the times I hurt people I cared about.  I know that's probably not true but when it's something that happens quite frequently it's hard not to believe it. 

I think one of my biggest down falls which I wouldn't stage is wearing my heart on my sleeve.  I'm a sucker for happily ever afters but at the same time I totally get that they only happen in fairytales and unfortunately my life isn't a fairytale. 

I've often wondered why I fall for or choose the people I do when it comes to building relationships.  I'm not just talking about a romantic relationship but friendships as well and trust me, I've had my fairshare of both. 

I remember seeing an article the other day about relationships and in it they discuss how we as humans are in need of validation and that a lot of relationships are formed more on the basis of emotional dependency than love. I can say for myself personally that's probably true.  I think I rely a lot on people for emotional dependency that to some degree it messes with my emotions.  It makes me see things differently than I normally would if I wasn't so emotionally invested into someone.  If I was to look back at the relationships or friendships that I've had most if not all would have been based on my need to want emotional dependency. 

I'm not saying it's a good or bad thing and I love that I'm aware that it happens and that I let it happen.  I just think that if I really want something more.  A different type of relationship/friendship with someone I need to go about it differently. 

If only life was simple and we could just have someone else make all the hard decisions for us things would be so much easier don't you think?

Thursday, 6 October 2016

Just J

This week J started with her new support worker Nikki (she's a human BTW not one of the dogs as someone asked me).  She absolutely LOVES Nikki and from the first day we met Nikki (early last week)  all J could talk about was when she would see Nikki again and if she was going to be coming to dinner with us with Poppa.

J has had an amazing first week with Nikki with walks everyday,  being able to groom the horses,  visiting doggy day care,  walking Parihaka (some of it),  going to LYNKS and spending time with her friends and baking.

Every morning J wakes up and has breakfast before being super early and ready waiting for Nikki to pick her up.  She loves being able to get out everyday and I'm loving how she's so much more comfortable with herself,  getting out and wanting to do more.

Next month LYNKS is going to Wellington for 4 days and J can't wait to go on camp she's even more excited that she gets to go with her 2 best friends Roberta and Monique (pretty sure that's her other BFF).

LYNKS is such an amazing program and I'm so glad that it is available for people with disabilities.  We are so lucky to have the support and help that we do both through LYNKS and with the help we get from Nikki.  I have a feeling J won't want Nikki to leave EVER!  lol.

Wednesday, 5 October 2016

The Long Road Home

Some people may or may not know this but for most of my life I grew up in the LDS Church (Mormon).  My family joined the church when Mum met my step dad and they married in 1995 when I was 9.  I was active in the church throughout my childhood,  teens and my early adult life. It has only been in the last few years when my marriage ended that I've not been active.  I was also excommunicated from the church roughly 5 years ago. 

There are times where I go through phases of missing church.  Needing it in my life and feeling like there is more to life than just the everyday hustle and bustle of work and life in general. 

Today I caught the bus from Auckland to Whangarei and I had been telling a few friends I really wanted to sit on my own.  I'd had next to no sleep the last couple of days and in all honesty I couldn't really be bothered having to make conversation with the person next to me.  I was glad when we left the city terminal and began making our way north and no one had sat next to me.  This ride was going to be awesome.  Sitting alone, music in my ears and not a care in the world.

I'm not sure if it was some divine intervention or just pure coincidence but when we'd got to Smales farm for a passenger pick up there waiting were a group of missionaries from the LDS Church.  I wasn't sure who was getting on the bus but the first thought that came to mind was please don't let any of them sit next to me.  As the missionaries got on the bus I watched as 3 Elders moved to the back of the bus and 1 Sister looked around for somewhere to sit.  I don't know why but I felt this impression to ask her to sit with me.  She happily accepted and was thankful that I was able to be her "companion" while we made the trip north. 

We talked non stop from Auckland to Whangarei.  I shared my experiences about church.  Missing it.  My marriage ending.  How I felt life was for me growing up in the church.  I have no idea why I felt like I wanted/needed to confide in her but it really helped to be able to share my thoughts,  fears and feelings with her.  By the time we'd go to Warkworth I was pretty much in tears. Lol.  Sometimes those feelings of the spirit never go away even though there are times when you feel you're not worthy of it. 

I really don't know what my life is going to look like in a years time from now or even what it's going to look like next week.  I do know though that after today and speaking with Sister Soderberg that perhaps what I'm missing in my life is the church and the gospel.  I guess what scares me the most is feeling like the answers I want/need are the ones I'm not yet ready for.  Even though I'm no longer active in the church I've still always believed in the teachings of the Gospel. I just need to have the courage to want to be and do more than what I am doing now. 

I talk about life being too short and not taking chances but is any of what I am doing now really going to make me happy? Do I not want more for myself than what I have now? Do I really have to "settle"  because I feel I don't deserve more? I care about and have feelings for people who sure may have reciprocal feelings but is that enough?  Do I not deserve more? 

It's weird how everything sort of fell into place.  Had I not been suspended from driving and been made to catch the bus home I would not have met Sister Soderberg. I wouldn't have had the chance to discuss my feelings on the church or going back and I wouldn't have the desire to want more for my life.  I can't say I will go back tomorrow or even next week but I do know though that if I want something more that the church is where I need to be.  Perhaps meeting Sister Soderberg was that little push that I needed to get myself in the right frame of mind.  Now I just need to have the courage to take the next time... 

Tuesday, 4 October 2016

Discharge... Lol.

This morning I was discharged from hospital not as bright an early as usual but I was out of there by around 10pm. I had plans to meet up with a friend over in Epsom but I also needed to hit the supermarket for a couple of things beforehand.  I did all my google maps and Auckland transport bus searches and made plans on what time I needed to be where and how to get there.

Walked from North shore hospital down to Milford shops then back up to Smales farm where I sat for a couple of hours waiting for the bus that would take me to New Market where I would then have to walk a little more to get to Epsom.  Huge mission trying to catch public transport when you're not use to it.  I actually missed the stop I was meant to get off at but the nice driver went around the block and let me off on the other side of the road.  I don't know how I am going to handle the whole suspension thing but those are the consequences of bad actions and choices I made. On the up side it gives me more reason to get out and get more exercise in rather than using the car to go 5 seconds up the road.  Who knows may be by the end of the 28 days I'll be super skinny.  A girl can dream right?  Lol. Apparently I did 14kms of walking though I'm not sure that's right either way I got in a  lot of walking and added to my everyday exercise thing soo that's something.

Have been spending the night with Leanne which has been fun.  We drove all the way from New Market to Papatoetoe to get some dinner and then when Leanne needed to dry her clothes at the laundromat we drove to clover Park lol.  Long night but good to be back here so we can both rest and get some sleep.

Oh and while I was out we got churros I ate 3 before they made me feel sick. Blerk.  Never again.

Court next week for my crazy driving yesterday anddd also thinking of planning a trip to Wellington in a couple weeks time.  Maybe the break away will be good though I'm not sure Nan will appreciate me going away to Wellington again lol.

Monday, 3 October 2016

Not a good day...

Today the day didn't go as planned at all. I did a stupid thing and was over taking a truck in a passing lane and managed to get a speeding ticket on top of an automatic 28 day suspension on my license.  My own silly fault really.  I then had to call around to get people to 1 pick me up and take me to the hospital on top of picking up and taking my car home as I couldn't drive at all.

It was a huge drama and mess and I was late to the hospital for surgery which I called them to advice I would be.  I got to the hospital an hour late which isn't so bad it just meant I had less of a wait time before going in for surgery.

Surgery went well.  Wake up amazingly.  No major issues just drowsy as usual but it went well.  I'm back again in a month so will see how that goes.

Also have to either appear in court on the 13th for my speeding or write in a letter admitting that I was speeding.  I haven't decided what I'll do yet so will see how that all pans out.  Don't speed people it's not worth it and it causes too many accidents and not worth the extra 5 minutes you save if you injure yourself or someone else.  Huge lessons learnt there but totally crazy and scary all at the same time.

Sunday, 2 October 2016

Forming Habits

Today I used the rain as my excuse to not want to go out and get some exercise in.  On top of it also being Sunday meaning 'day of rest' I kinda just felt like I didn't want/need to go.  I had spent most of the day in bed binge watching season 2 of Mr. Robot and if it wasn't for Nan needing to go to the supermarket I wouldn't have even got out of my PJs,  that's how lazy I was feeling today.  I knew that if I wanted to make exercise and my health a priority I needed to find the motivation somewhere I just didn't think it would happen, at least not today.
The supermarket was an interesting experience.  Nan really only wanted to go to make sure that J had food to take to LYNKS.  Pretty much most things Nan suggested I said a big fat NO to them.  It actually made me wish that I had someone telling me NO to food instead I have to use my own self control. Which as we all know totally sucks sometimes.  In the end I let Nan pick one treat thing for J to take for lunch lol.  That still didn't stop Nan from telling Papa that I said NO to pretty much every single thing in the supermarket.
No one wanted to cook dinner tonight so we had fish and chips.  Not good for me or J but we don't tend to eat out a lot in our house so I thought why not enjoy it.  Everything in moderation right? You don't want to deprive yourself then end up binging.
I'm not sure if it was the fact that we had gross fish and chips for dinner or not but I got a second wind and decided to take Niko for a walk.  Of course the sun had also come out a little so that helped with getting out there too.  It wasn't a far or fast walk but it was something which is always better than nothing.  Niko enjoys the walks as well because being locked up in the back yard with not a lot of space isn't his favourite place to be.
We are only 2 days into the last quarter of the year and its my goal to blog and exercise everyday this month.  They say it takes 21 days for something to become a habit sooo here's hoping I can keep it up. I know,  I know early days but for me 2 blog posts in a row on top of exercise is a miracle.  I wonder where I'll be at the end of the quarter.  Hopefully looking all hot like Beyonce lol.

Saturday, 1 October 2016

Part Time Friends

Sometimes when we least expect it we hear from someone who we'd thought had fallen off the face of the earth.  We all have those people in our lives.  The ones who only ever message when they need something or the ones who only ever want to get in touch when it's convenient for them.  I have had and still do have a few of those people in my life. 

Those so called friends who are there all the time in the beginning and as life gets in the way or busy all of a sudden want nothing to do with you.  They may surprise you and send a random text or two but you're always going to wonder why now.  Why decide to reach out now. 

Last night I heard from someone who I hadn't heard from in a little while.  More importantly from someone who went (and still continues to go) through phases of pushing me away.  Or messaging me every minute of every day for a few days then nothing.  Stupidly,  I'm a sucker for punishment and always end up being on the receiving end of an apology of why they decided they had to back off. Or those texts you get that make you think why couldn't he continue to be THIS guy the one who in the beginning made me laugh or made me feel good about where things were heading.  Or the guy who reached out when he needed actual advice rather than the guy who only reached out   because I was last choice. 

I know I deserve better and to be honest I'll be a friend to this person but as far as something more... I don't know how I feel about it.  I don't trust him enough to feel that if we pursued more he wouldn't push me away.  Or he wouldn't go through phases of ignoring me. 

I know he isn't the only one of my so called friends who only reaches out when they need something or when it's convenient as it's happened a lot.  The sad thing is,  I'm so use to it I just brush it off as if nothing has changed.  I don't hold my breath expecting to hear from them because I know they're not going to reach out. 

I know I don't have many friends and I'm okay with that just sometimes you miss the friends who you wish you could have but don't. 

I suppose the only person who you can really rely on is yourself.  I guess that's why they tell us to love ourselves first.