Some people may or may not know this but for most of my life I grew up in the LDS Church (Mormon). My family joined the church when Mum met my step dad and they married in 1995 when I was 9. I was active in the church throughout my childhood, teens and my early adult life. It has only been in the last few years when my marriage ended that I've not been active. I was also excommunicated from the church roughly 5 years ago.
There are times where I go through phases of missing church. Needing it in my life and feeling like there is more to life than just the everyday hustle and bustle of work and life in general.
Today I caught the bus from Auckland to Whangarei and I had been telling a few friends I really wanted to sit on my own. I'd had next to no sleep the last couple of days and in all honesty I couldn't really be bothered having to make conversation with the person next to me. I was glad when we left the city terminal and began making our way north and no one had sat next to me. This ride was going to be awesome. Sitting alone, music in my ears and not a care in the world.
I'm not sure if it was some divine intervention or just pure coincidence but when we'd got to Smales farm for a passenger pick up there waiting were a group of missionaries from the LDS Church. I wasn't sure who was getting on the bus but the first thought that came to mind was please don't let any of them sit next to me. As the missionaries got on the bus I watched as 3 Elders moved to the back of the bus and 1 Sister looked around for somewhere to sit. I don't know why but I felt this impression to ask her to sit with me. She happily accepted and was thankful that I was able to be her "companion" while we made the trip north.
We talked non stop from Auckland to Whangarei. I shared my experiences about church. Missing it. My marriage ending. How I felt life was for me growing up in the church. I have no idea why I felt like I wanted/needed to confide in her but it really helped to be able to share my thoughts, fears and feelings with her. By the time we'd go to Warkworth I was pretty much in tears. Lol. Sometimes those feelings of the spirit never go away even though there are times when you feel you're not worthy of it.
I really don't know what my life is going to look like in a years time from now or even what it's going to look like next week. I do know though that after today and speaking with Sister Soderberg that perhaps what I'm missing in my life is the church and the gospel. I guess what scares me the most is feeling like the answers I want/need are the ones I'm not yet ready for. Even though I'm no longer active in the church I've still always believed in the teachings of the Gospel. I just need to have the courage to want to be and do more than what I am doing now.
I talk about life being too short and not taking chances but is any of what I am doing now really going to make me happy? Do I not want more for myself than what I have now? Do I really have to "settle" because I feel I don't deserve more? I care about and have feelings for people who sure may have reciprocal feelings but is that enough? Do I not deserve more?
It's weird how everything sort of fell into place. Had I not been suspended from driving and been made to catch the bus home I would not have met Sister Soderberg. I wouldn't have had the chance to discuss my feelings on the church or going back and I wouldn't have the desire to want more for my life. I can't say I will go back tomorrow or even next week but I do know though that if I want something more that the church is where I need to be. Perhaps meeting Sister Soderberg was that little push that I needed to get myself in the right frame of mind. Now I just need to have the courage to take the next time...