Today I had an interesting conversation with someone and one where for the first time in awhile I was able to be open, honest and real about my feelings. My feelings to do with being sick, my health in general, my failed marriage, church and the current sort of whatever it is relationship I am in now.
We both grew up members of the church and with how both of our marriages ended it actually felt good to just talk with someone who has been in the same situation as me. I always felt like when it came to church that I was the only person going through the trials and things I have and continue to go through.
A month ago when I had that missionary experience with Sister Soderberg I had a feeling that perhaps I needed to make some sort of plan to get back to church. I won't lie I still haven't gone back and the main reason I think is because I just don't have the courage to do it. I know there is a part of me that is ready to go back but I also know that there is another part of me that isn't ready. I want and need to go back for myself and for the right reasons.
I enjoyed being able to discuss my feelings with this person and knowing that I wasn't the only one going through a failed marriage and finding my way back to church.
For the last 5 years my life has been one hell of a roller coaster ride. My marriage ended. I was excommunicated from the church. I lost a lot of friends. Both ones I had during my marriage and the few I've lost since my marriage ended. I've gone from relationship to relationship because I've felt lonely and felt like I needed someone to help "cure" that loneliness. I have been in relationships with people who I shouldn't have been with. I've done things to people I'm not proud of and I've hurt people I never ever thought I would hurt.
I'm not sure why I feel I need to confess all my "sins" because this really isn't the place for it. I guess right now I'm feeling like if I want my blog to be the place I can share my thoughts and feelings then I need to get everything out. I can't share my feelings when there is still that small percentage of me that keeps things to myself because I'm worried people will judge me.
Life is too short to worry about what people will think of me. I can only be myself and be the real me. I'm not a perfect person and I know that I've got a lot of things that I need to work on. All I can do is share my own personal experiences and hope that in some way I can help others.
I'm tired of telling half truths and not being the real, raw, honest me.
Today talking with the person I did made me realise I'm probably not the only person going through personal struggles. Whether they are of moral, personal, relationship, money or any other form of struggle. I know if I can be honest more people will be able to relate and get to know the real me. That's all I want.
2016 has been a rough year for me health wise and I have a feeling 2017 is going to be much the same but I only hope that 2017 is a better more open and real year for me.
Time to make some changes starting now.