Tuesday, 6 June 2017

Two Months

That moment when you can actually feel the pain in your chest from seeing or hearing something that breaks your heart.

These last 2 months my life has been a roller coaster ride of emotions. I've had my amazing ups from seeing my family, to travelling the country side and abroad, quality time with friends and family and most recently have started focusing more on my physical health. The downs in this ride while there are only a couple seems to be a down that is never ending.

Last night I heard from someone I was least expecting to hear from. Someone I hadn't heard from in 2 months. I read their message and my heart hurt. I didn't know what to feel. Sad. Angry. Hurt. I was with Cerise who as she read the message I too watched as her heart hurt for me. She left the room not wanting to get emotional. In my moment of confusion, hurt and angerness all I wanted to do was get upset at this person. I had so many questions. So many mixed emotions. I messaged back with a.... Answer your phone I want to talk to you.

It felt like 5 hours as I sat there listening to the phone ring on the other end. Would he answer? What would he say? Was he sorry for the hurt he'd caused me? Did he even mean anything he'd ever said to me? Was I just another person to add to his list of people?

When he answered the phone there was that awkward moment of silence. Were we going to be able to talk? Could I have a conversation without crying? Was I showing weakness if I let him hear me cry? Was what we had and felt real?

We talked for 2 hours. I cried. He listened. I let him open up and share as much as he felt comfortable with sharing. I'm still hurt and confused. I don't know what is happening or what will happen. Our lives are complete opposites yet I feel at the same time we are very much the same. I think he's scared. We're both scared.  We don't know what the future holds but why wouldn't you take a chance on something that feels so right because you're scared of the not knowing. We don't get to know everything. We only get to live life to the best of our abilities. Enjoying the time we have here. Not spending the next 15 years of our lives unhappy because we feel it's all we deserve.

I feel like a lot of stuff needs to happen for or between this guy and I before anything happens. I know we've decided to be friends who have feelings but after these last 2 months for me, it's hard. I'm confused. Sad. I feel weird.

My feelings didn't go away and what's weird is I held out hope these last 2 months for something and last night it happened. Last night he reached out and now that he has there's that part of me that is feeling unsure about it all.

This ride is crazy but if I can go through a failed marriage, losing my friends, starting a life over, getting sick and making new friends I can get through anything. I think these next few days, weeks and months are going to be very interesting and even if it scares me or freaks me out.... I feel like this could be something worth feeling scared for.

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