Monday, 31 December 2018
All the MJ stuff aside I actually had an amazing 3 days with my 2 favourite people. Today we even drove to Auckland and managed to pick up Krispy Kreme doughnuts. Best thing about heading to Auckland is definitely doughnuts.
I'm looking forward to 2019 and I'm excited to see how the new year turns out. I really need to spend this year focusing on myself. No boys, no drama just focusing on myself and the goals that I want to achieve for 2019.
Roll on 2019 and let's make this the BEST one yet!
Sunday, 23 December 2018
I never expected that my 2018 would end like this at all. I thought that we had more time and I honestly thought stupidly that I was enough. I wasn't. The only upside is that I can end my 2018 on a shit note and then go into 2019 not having to worry about what will happen. Or if I'm waiting for someone who didn't want me.
I don't regret the choices I made or falling in love. I am sad and hurt that I got stuck in the middle of something where they felt they wanted and needed to play games and have power because I deserved better than that. I didn't ask for any of this but it happened and I can only move past it. Even though it hurts and I'm sad like the subject says, sometimes I have to forget what I feel and remember what I deserve.
I'm definitely the girl who needs companionship. That shit makes me happy. Unfortunately for me I'm way too nice and fall for the ones I shouldn't because I think I can save them. Because I think that we all deserve this "fairy tale" romantic relationship. The reality of that is, I know it's not true and it's totally not possible but hey a girl can totally still dream.
I feel okay about what happened and I'm glad that I know now that I can just move on and not have to start off my new year with a "what if". It's time to let go and figure out what 2019 has in store for me. As I have always said, things can only get better from here.
Now hurry up and get here 2019!
Wednesday, 19 December 2018
I'm lucky that I've got good supportive friends who help me deal with my shit and I'm lucky that said friends still want to spend time with me even though I'm all Debbie downer. The hurt is still there and I think it will be there a while but I'm trying. I don't know how long it will take for the hurt to go away or if it will go away but I do know the only thing I can do is TRY.
I miss the conversations we'd have and it's difficult at times when things keep happening that I find myself wishing I could tell him all about it. Don't get me wrong, I've been tempted too. I've even stared at my phone and thought how easy it would be to just message but I know I can't. He messaged the other day and my reply was so cold. It was straight forward and to the point. I hated doing it but I knew it was the only thing I could do to protect myself. There were so many things I wanted to say to him but I knew it wasn't "right". He's decided to choose this life and I need to find the strength that I know I have to move on or away from this situation, even if it hurts.
I don't know what will happen over the next few weeks, months or year but all I can do is be myself. To try and deal with this in whatever way works for me. Whether that's to blog, cry, party, drink, or be Debbie downer for a month I really don't know. I do know that there are some days I'm going to hate him, love him, wish we were together, wish we'd never met, wished things could have been different but I know at the end of it, I'll come out stronger and better for it having gone through this situation.
It's nearly 2019 time to try and get in some goals and focus on myself and studies and figure out where I feel like my life is, needs to be or is headed.
Wednesday, 12 December 2018
Thursday, 15 November 2018
Wednesday, 3 October 2018
Friday, 28 September 2018
This morning I woke up to be reminded that this time 7 years ago my marriage was in the early stages of ending. At the time I thought my life was over. J was the biggest part of my life and for the last 8 years it was J and I against the world (and at times, each other). How was I meant to move past someone who was such an important person in my life. We were meant to be together forever. J was honestly all I knew. I had friends but when you're a 17 year old in a serious relationship with someone who is 6 years older than you, you kinda just grow up quickly. For the next year and a half we continued to date, court and by the time I was 19 we were engaged and married within 3 months.
As it always is in the beginning our marriage was great. We loved each other and we were planning our life together in Auckland. We made friends and I couldn't imagine ever living a life without J in it. Unfortunately I made choices and decisions that would later end my marriage. Looking back my biggest regret was hurting someone I loved. I grew up religious and I thought that even though I continued to hurt J that we just had to stay and work it out because it was the "right thing" to do. I didn't know there was another way. I'm not blaming religion for the choices I made because I chose to hurt someone I loved I guess I'm more trying to say I wished I knew there were other ways to get out of an unhappy marriage without hurting people.
It's been 7 year now and even though I wished my marriage ended on more amicable terms I know that had it not ended the way it did I wouldn't be where I am now. I'm no longer just "J's wife". I'm just Teesh. I'm the girl who is still tying to find her place in the world. The girl who gives pretty much everything a go. Life is too short and the only thing we can do is take it by the horns and just run with it.
I've spent the last 7 years trying to figure out who I am and what I'm doing with my life. It isn't always butterflies and rainbows but right now my life really is amazing. I have friends. My family are an important part of my life. My trachy journey s nearly over and done with and I'm in school studying to be a nurse. I would never have imagined that 7 years ago this would be where I am and even though things happened that shouldn't have to get me here I am grateful that I am here where I am in my life right now.
I have no clue what kind of crazy the world will throw at me but I honestly believe that if I can get through a divorce and having to live life with a trachy I can get through anything. It's nearly a new year and I'm super excited to see what is behind the door of 2019.
Life can only ever get better right?
Thursday, 12 July 2018
Friday, 30 March 2018
J enjoyed it and Poppa had a nice time reminiscing about "old times".
Thursday, 8 February 2018
Monday, 5 February 2018
Last night I decided that I'd wake up and go for a walk before having my morning phone call with M. It's been nearly 3 weeks since I last went and I knew I needed to get back into it.
Woke up at 730am and got ready to head out. I won't lie, I totally didn't want to go at all. But I got my shoes on. Got my music going and went for a walk.
It wasn't as far or as long as I'd have liked to have gone but as I told M this morning there were four things I learnt on this walk.
One: Don't push myself to feel like I SHOULD do x amount of steps/kms in one walk because this morning I could feel like my heart was working a little harder than normal sooo I did the shorter route rather than the longer one.
Two: I need to go more often because even though my breathing sucks I'm unfit hence my heart working harder.
Three: I'm probably going to walk from 630am rather than 730am but I'll see how I feel. I hate waking up sooo probably won't happen.
And Four: Be motivated by the walk I did do rather than discouraged because it wasn't "long" enough.
I managed 2.6kms this morning and even though I have this mindset of I need to do 10,000 steps in a day anddd at least 6km I know that 2.6kms is still better than nothing. Back into walking and moving it to 630am will work better for when I'm back at school.
Weigh in day today but our scales are broken sooo I'll weigh in next week. Oh and in clinic appointment Thursday at Auckland hospital. Public holiday tomorrow. Should be a good week.
Saturday, 3 February 2018
Unfortunately for me, Adam decided that he wanted to come home today. I don't know what happened to coming home tomorrow but he was all dead set coming back today and asked me to come and pick him up. At the beach. He can be annoying at times. I dragged J along again and off we went to Ahipara to get Adam. Made awesome time and got to Mangamuka in an hour. We still had probably another 30 minutes to go. Once we'd got to the beach Adam and his useless directions of come here I'm on the side of the road turned into me getting all annoyed at the fact that he doesn't even know how to give directions, he's a fuck around anddd next time he's take himself north.
It was an awesome day to be driving and it was good to see the beach again. A lot of people were out at the beach as well. Snapped a quick photo before telling Adam we were leaving. I wanted to get home and I was over the drive. Over 650kms in the last two days I didn't want to do anymore driving. I also made Adam drive home. Worst decision because I forgot how gross it is to drive through the gorge as a passenger. Not good.
We did stop in Ohaeawai though and grab an ice cream. Seriously, one of the best ice cream places out if you're headed north. Everyone needs to stop there. Won't lie, I'm happy to be home and I'm about to get some sleep. I'm shattered!!
Friday, 2 February 2018
We'd arranged to pick up the rental at the airport. Get there for a 10pm pick up only to find that no one is there waiting for us. We'd been waiting 15 minutes when a mum had come in with her son and her baby. I thought they were flying out of town or waiting for someone but no her son LOVES planes so instead of going to playcentre she decided to bring him to the airport to look at the planes. Such an awesome thing to do. Oh and I also watched her baby while she went to change her son as he's toilet training and forget to tell his mum he needed to go until it was too late.
Cousin was getting annoyed waiting for the rental so by the time we'd managed to get in touch with someone they were unsure of when we'd even get the rental. After waiting 40 minutes we gave up on them, cancelled the booking and decided to keep looking for another one. Almost every rental company was out of cars. I'm guessing they all decided to do what Adam did and get away for the long weekend. Either that or bus to Whangarei and get a rental here.
After spending 2 hours trying to pick up a rental and getting home we gave up and went home. It was a fun adventure out even if we didn't get a rental. Grandparents weren't happy he was getting a rental. Papa kept telling Adam that it was cheaper for him to just buy a Ute and pay it off rather than rent one. When we went home empty handed Nan said it was the fate and will of the card God's that he didn't get a rental.
Adam did however decided that he did still want to head north so he paid me $100 to drive him up and then go and pick him up Sunday. Easy but long drive to make $100. Totally worth it though and I honestly did a drop and go. I also dragged J along with me as a friend. Oh and we stopped in at world famous Kawakawa toilets because J needed to go. Long day filled with adventure so happy to be home.
Wednesday, 31 January 2018
Nan didn't want to do anything for her birthday. We were thinking of heading to lunch but she said no sooo we decided to bring lunch to her. J and Aunty Arelene picked up some cooked chicken, fresh rolls and some salad. We also had a really good chocolate cake. Poppa picked up some sparking champagne for Nan which when we all had cake we enjoyed a small glass. It was good. Even Papa enjoyed it and he's more of a beer drinker.
I'm glad we decided to have a little lunch for Nan. Adam wanted to take her to dinner but she's definitely not a going out to dinner kind of person but we enjoyed cake and had a fun birthday lunch with just the 6 of us.
Happy Birthday to the two Mereana's in my life. Love you guys!
Sunday, 28 January 2018
Saturday, 27 January 2018
Friday, 26 January 2018
I'm far from perfect and I'm the first to admit that I've made bad choices in my life. I've done things I'm not proud of and I've hurt people who didn't deserve it.
What I am guilty of though is caring too much for people. I have never been one to judge someone based on the choices they're making or the things they choose to do in their life. I am however that sort of friend who will listen to you day in and day out as you moan about the same shit for the millionth time. I'll hurt when you're sad and having a rough time. If you hate someone we totally both hate them. When you're hurt and sad I hurt for you. I'll listen to you for hours on end, giving the same advice I've given to you already and watch you go through the same shit only to have the same outcome as the previous times before but I still won't judge you. I'm the supportive, always there for you friend. That's me!
Tonight my heart took a stab of hurt when someone I cared about and have been there for a million times over decided it was her place to judge me on the choices I'm making. She used past experiences to shine a light on the fact that the people I keep in my life or choose to see aren't "right" for me. I felt like I had to justify my life and or reasoning to her but at the same time I had this feeling of anger and hurt.
I let her know how I felt but I knew if we continued on with the conversation it wouldn't end well. Her reply was what I expected sooo I took a step back, didn't reply and left it. I'm sad and hurt but perhaps it was something that needed to happen for the good of our friendship.
There's a big difference between being honest and being judgmental. Give me your advice and opinion but do not judge me as a person. Be there as my friend as I have been for you. Sad day. I just need a hug and a break away.