Wednesday, 19 December 2018

Missing you comes in waves. Tonight I'm drowning.

This past week has been hard. We went from lets go through this together to, I need space and I don't really know how to ask for it. Things happened that led to me having to "walk away". That hurt more than I thought but the reality of our situation is that, even though I didn't have a choice in any of it and even though yes I said I would walk away if he had asked it doesn't mean it hurts any less.

I'm lucky that I've got good supportive friends who help me deal with my shit and I'm lucky that said friends still want to spend time with me even though I'm all Debbie downer. The hurt is still there and I think it will be there a while but I'm trying. I don't know how long it will take for the hurt to go away or if it will go away but I do know the only thing I can do is TRY.

I miss the conversations we'd have and it's difficult at times when things keep happening that I find myself wishing I could tell him all about it. Don't get me wrong, I've been tempted too. I've even stared at my phone and thought how easy it would be to just message but I know I can't. He messaged the other day and my reply was so cold. It was straight forward and to the point. I hated doing it but I knew it was the only thing I could do to protect myself. There were so many things I wanted to say to him but I knew it wasn't "right". He's decided to choose this life and I need to find the strength that I know I have to move on or away from this situation, even if it hurts.

I don't know what will happen over the next few weeks, months or year but all I can do is be myself. To try and deal with this in whatever way works for me. Whether that's to blog, cry, party, drink, or be Debbie downer for a month I really don't know. I do know that there are some days I'm going to hate him, love him, wish we were together, wish we'd never met, wished things could have been different but I know at the end of it, I'll come out stronger and better for it having gone through this situation.

It's nearly 2019 time to try and get in some goals and focus on myself and studies and figure out where I feel like my life is, needs to be or is headed.

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