This time a month ago I was looking forward to spending the weekend with MJ, little did I know it was the weekend that would end it all. It still hurts and there are days where I wished things were different. Days where my heart hurts that I feel like it's breaking into a million pieces. I never expected to get so caught up as fast or as hard as I did.
I honestly thought we had more time. I thought that things were going to be different but as much as it hurts I'm glad that in some crazy way he "helped" me to figure out that I wanted my 2019 to be an amazing one. That I could start my 2019 on a better note rather than wait until it was "supposed" to end and then have a bad 2019 being all sad. So yes, in some stupid way I'm thankful to him for that.
What hurts the most though isn't that MJ and I aren't together it's that since it ended I've not seen a best friend of mine because in some way she reminds me of him. There's a part of me that feels like I "used" her for my own "personal gain" and then that makes me feel guilty. Then it hurts me because we're supposed to be best friends yet I'm over here trying to get over him and missing my friend at the same time. I know that I don't need to feel guilty or bad but I also know at the same time that I've been a terrible friend. She's not done anything wrong but be an awesome friend and I need to make time for her and take a girls trip to make new amazing awesome beach memories. Friends are important to me and if I want to be able to move past the whole MJ thing then spending time with the people I care about is what will help.
I really don't know what will happen in the future and yes there will be times where I miss him. Where I miss the views, the laughs, the dogs, our daily check ins, talks about the kids and the fun dates we'd go on but right now the only thing I can focus on is myself.
He's "robbed" me of a lot of the things that I use to do because they remind me of him and I can’t let him “control” me like that. I need to push through the hurt, the motions and try to make new memories because if I don't I'll never be able to move on with my life.
Small baby steps. I can do this. I have to do it, even if it's hard.