Monday, 25 February 2019

Nothing holds you back more than your own insecurities

Sometimes it happens to the best of us. We think we have it all figured it out and then out of nowhere our insecurities hit us like a ton of bricks.

One of my biggest insecurities is feeling like I'm not wanted or needed.  Or feeling like I'm too much work for people. It's like my mind goes on this tangent and I struggle at times to come back from it and then before I know it I've played out in my mind a scenario that hasn't even happened. It's hard and it's something that at times I struggle with.  I guess there is a part of me that uses it as a coping mechanism. A way to "push" people away so that I don't end up hurt.  A way for me to find some reason or excuse as to why I don't deserve something good in my life.

I know it sounds like I'm having some sort of episode but I'm really not, sometimes my own insecurities get the better of me and that makes people want to take a step back. To be honest, I didn't think it would happen and it's been a long time that my insecurities have got the best of me. I'm always the girl who is up for giving anything a go. Try this. Do that. Take a chance. I'm probably over thinking it all and that's sometimes what happens. It doesn't happen often but when it does I guess it goes to the extreme.

I guess it's something for me to work on. To remember that even though we have our insecurities that majority of people don't tend to see them. My only hope is that I'll be able to let my insecurities go because I think this one is different.

Wednesday, 6 February 2019

My Last Goodbye

I’m writing this because I feel it needs to be said. I need to show myself that I can do this, without you. 

It hurts to admit but, you broke my heart. You let me fall and for the first time since my marriage ended you were my first. You were the first person I let get so close that I fell in love. I fell hard and fast and it was some whirlwind romance but I also think there was a big part of it that was all just a game. I feel used. I feel like you got what you wanted out of our relationship only to go back to the same thing you didn’t want. 

You told me things that made me have hope for a future and even right to the end you still made me have hope. You were the one who said you wanted to be friends. To be in each other’s lives. That we’d get through this together but you lied. You knew what and who you wanted and it wasn’t even a week in before you’d made your choice and kicked me to the side to deal with it all on my own. I trusted you. I let you into my world, into my life and you threw it all back into my face. I know you’ve said sorry that you didn’t mean to hurt me but you did. You hurt me, you broke my heart and I had to go through the motions while you got to live your happy life as if I wasn’t even a big part of it. 

We both know the life you choose to live is going to be the one you say you don’t want. You’ll go have “fun” and keep it a secret because people aren’t “accepting” of it. Or you’ll go have “fun” because having power and control is what you both seem to need. I guess all I want is for you to be honest. With yourself. With your family. With your friends. There’s only so much “fun” you can have before you’re back to where you were when we first met. Which by the way, there really is no difference between “fun” and what it was when we met, they’re both the same thing. You’ve just got to learn to not be in denial. 

It’s time to move on. To leave the memories of you behind. I can’t waste my life waiting for something. For my own sanity and wellbeing I need to let go. So this is it, my last goodbye.