Monday, 4 May 2020

Drained

I’m the girl with the big heart. The girl who falls easily, fast and hard. The girl who seems to connect with people on such levels that the intensity of it can be too much to handle emotionally. I’m the girl who without question would help anyone and everyone. The girl who would willingly give advice because I thought I was “helping” or doing the “right thing”.

Recently I met someone who I connected with that was almost too good to be true. It wasn’t romantic or anything of that nature but it was this intense connection almost like we’d known each other in some “other life”. I was both intrigued and amazed yet it still took me by surprise. It was like this feeling of we’d known each other in some previous life and here we were meeting some 30 odd years later rekindling that’s friendship. It’s hard to explain but that’s what it felt/feels like to me.

Unfortunately isolation happened. Shit hit the fan and I was stuck almost left in limbo wondering where the F this person went that I was talking to only 2 days prior. Your first instinct is always have I done something wrong? Did I say something that upset them? Was I too needy? We always check ourselves first hoping that we hadn’t fucked things up. Our conversations turned to pleasantries which was their way of staying connected. Pleasantries for me felt like I was that after thought at the bottom of the to do list. Days and weeks went by where neither of us had felt connected to each other yet I felt I was making the effort. I thought I was trying. I thought I was doing all of the right things but the reality of the situation is that I wasn’t. I was assuming and giving advise when it wasn’t asked for. I was trying to understand something when really why did I need to understand? I had no right to question why someone was feeling the way they were and then say it was “wrong”. I never thought I did that but I suppose I did. I only ever wanted to help because in some narcissistic crazy way I just want to “fix people”. I never expected that my “helping” would be bad that it would be uncalled for and unwanted. I’m the girl who wants to help but now I know not everyone wants help.

I’m shaken, sad, hurt, emotional and feeling like I’ve been knocked down a bit. Like my confidence has taken a hit and that I’m feeling like I can’t even share my thoughts or feelings without feeling like I’m in the “wrong”. I honestly don’t know if I can move past this. I honestly thought I was doing the right thing but I wasn’t. I guess what hurts the most is that it took weeks for something to be said. I struggle with the word vulnerable and what that means for different people. How one person perceives the word or feelings or thoughts behind vulnerable isn’t necessarily going to mean the same to someone else. I struggle to understand how one can be vulnerable yet don’t let others in because it’s how they keep themselves safe. I struggle because I want to be vulnerable and I think that I am yet how does one be vulnerable when others don’t let them in?

I’m tired and I’m emotionally drained. I want to move past these feelings of uncertainty and self doubt and get back to a place where I thought things were going. I don’t want to step back and have regrets but maybe it’s more about trying to do things differently. Does that mean changing the person I am to “suit” someone else? Or does it mean be who I am even if it means people don’t like me? I’m honestly not sure. Perhaps things will change and be different or perhaps we won’t move past this I don’t know. The only thing I can hope is that we can get through the crazy and to a place where we were way back when. Time will tell.